By Jillian Benedict

OK, who’s idea was it to reach into a hole and pull a rodent – with very large teeth, mind you – out of a nice, warm, peaceful slumber? Seriously, what part of this “tradition” actually predicts the weather? Sorry if I’m being predictable here, but poor Phil. Sure, he actually lives in a climate-controlled library (he’s a prisoner), but don’t you think this little fella has night terrors at the very least?

If any of you readers disagree with me, please send me your address. Once you get all cozy, I’ll break into your house and carry you – by the back of the neck – outside and put you on national television.